In all honesty, I am not a cockeyed optimist. I have strong tendencies to anticipate problems and have doubts about a positive future. Not only that, but I am married to a man who acknowledges he is a cynic with strong pessimistic tendencies. This is not a formula for happy days.
Over the past ten years we have been through a number of serious challenges - Jim's prostate cancer, financial struggles, personal losses and issues within our family. It has not been easy. In fact, three years ago, I was "over it." I remember praying "God, if this is all I can expect for the rest of my life - just one struggle after another - I would rather you just took me on home. I am tired of this." I was not suicidal, I was just tired. My hormones were all messed up, we had had one loss after another and my recurring thought was " Beam me up, Scottie." I really couldn't think of a compelling reason to go on. There was no joy, no hope, no anticipation of good things.
However, this bout with cancer has revealed that I am in a very different place from three years ago. It hit me about a week ago. I woke up early one morning and realized I was swollen, sunburned and tired. I had had some challenges with my doctor and things were not all they could be. It was the perfect opportunity to look at the glass half empty and be mad, frustrated and discouraged. Instead, I thought about these things and thought "This is passing. Things are going to be better. By this time next year, I will be in much better shape and this will just be one of the chapters in my story." I shared this with Jim and he agreed that my attitude had been consistently optimistic, no matter what the obstacles. WHY?
This is going to sound crazy, but I am convinced it is because I am in network marketing.
I bet you didn't expect that answer, but it is true. Here's why I think that. Doing this business has forced me to face a number of weaknesses in my life and has helped me to grow. When I first started, I thought "I can do this. It is not rocket science, it is a good company, a good plan and I am a smart woman. If I can't do this, it is only because of things that need to change in me. This takes relationships, repetition and hard work. I can do this." I took it on as a challenge, but also because it made a lot of sense to me at the time.
Things took off at the beginning. I was focused and making progress, but every time that there was a glitch in my progress, or I questioned a marketing move of the company, I was ready to quit. My doubts came up, and I expected the worst. Gina Holmes, who had introduced me to the business (and very fortunately is also a very good therapist!) would say "It is going to work out." But, despite her encouragements, I was convinced I was about to get screwed.
Surprisingly, things did work out. Sometimes not the way that I had anticipated, but adjustments happened, new strategies were developed or something else would occur that got things back on track. I found myself going back to Gina more than once and apologizing for my hair trigger negative reactions. The business provided a mirror for me to see myself as I had never seen myself before. It also offered me the opportunity to regroup and try again. I decided to ease up on the hair trigger and adopt a more 'wait and see' attitude.
One other thing that has happened since I started this business is that I began to anticipate good things. Daily we are consistently challenged to dream and set all kinds of goals for our lives. My immediate reaction to that was that I shouldn't focus on myself. But, as I struggled with that, I realized that, whether I voiced it or not, I did have things I wanted in life. Just because I didn't voice them didn't mean that they weren't there. Also, I realized that I did not know how to dream. I did not picture a positive future. I realized that this was not good. I remembered the Bible verse that said "Without a vision, the people perish." That is true - without hope or purpose or a belief in something that matters, life doesn't hold much value.
Especially in this period of my life, with the challenge of breast cancer, I have been able to recognize that I have become more optimistic about life. I am living with an anticipation of good things. With a changed mental attitude, even hard things are not nearly so overwhelming. Even cancer and scars and swelling and sunburns. Even increasing fatigue and lost productivity and poorer memory. All these things are bumps in the road, not dead ends.
How grateful I am that God brought me into an environment that has slowly altered my attitude toward today and tomorrow. I always wanted to be that Proverbs 31 woman who "smiled at the future." I am getting much closer to my goal! That's encouraging!
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