Not a big deal...

"Won't be able to make coffee tomorrow.  Another biopsy.  Should be negative, but the doctors insist. See you next week."

So read my text to Anne, my coffee drinking buddy of five years.  Every Friday, we meet at Starbucks at 6:30 to share life.  Anne is in her early thirties, an architect and the mother of 2.5 children.  Her perspective on life has influenced me more than she knows.  My children should thank her because her thirty something insights have helped me gain perspective when my "Motherly Wisdom" runs amok. Amazingly, she thinks I am her mentor, but I know it is a much more mutual friendship.

Anyway, I show up for coffee the next Friday.  We get our regular brews and begin to chat.  About fifteen minutes in to our time I mention "Oh, yeah.  That biopsy I had.  It was cancer, but it is tiny, they got it all and it is really nothing."

"Really?  Wow."

"It's not that big a deal.  I have like a 99% chance of full recovery.  Five days of radiation and I am not going to take the Tamoxifin.  I have already decided.  I don't need that."

Then, out of the blue, Anne says "Are you afraid of death?"

NO, I AM NOT AFRAID OF DEATH! I AM A CHRISTIAN!  I HAVE A HOPE OF HEAVEN!  I AM NOT AFRAID! ....all that goes on inside my head in one second. I am trying to remain calm.  New thought: "Anne, this is your problem, not mine! You are just projecting your own fears on to me!".I want to say that, but I am faced with these strong emotions within. If this is all Anne's projection, why is my anxiety so high?  Why am I so defensive?   I am faced with what I really want to deny.

I AM afraid.  I was not supposed to get cancer.  I am rationalizing all over the map.  "It is not life-threatening."  "It is Stage 0" "I don't want to make a big deal about this."

"Have you told your friends?"  "Not really." "Why?"

"Why should I? The surgeon got it all, it is not like Stage 4, invasive cancer.  What am I supposed to do -  Tell people 'Well, I DID have cancer, but it's gone now.'?  Why should I share that in Sunday School?"

"You share stuff so people can care for you and express their concern."

"This is no big deal." (Notice how quickly I acknowledge the truth.)

Just step back a minute and consider that this conversation is taking place in the Cahaba Heights Starbucks as people are passing back and forth getting their morning java.  This 30 year old is calmly challenging the almost-60 counselor!  (this is what I love about my best friends - they keep annoying me with the truth about myself.  How I hate it and treasure it at the same time.)

I have to acknowledge that Anne is right.  I am afraid and I do need my friends. 

After coffee, I went home and sat down at the computer and composed an email to some of the women who were in my Fragmented Life Group.  I told them the truth.  I told them that I didn't know what to do about this and I didn't know what to ask for, but that I needed their prayers and support.  It was the first time I cried about it.  And, I have to admit, it was very freeing.