It has been a long time since I wrote anything. I said this would be about the cancer experience, and it was. I got tired, I quit writing. The fatigue was a bear. When my radiation treatments were finally finished on January 18th, I was more than ready to leave cancer behind.
Interestingly, life did not slow down. I got on a plane two days later for Orlando to attend an important 4-day business meeting. The Sunday I got back, I wept in bed from the pain of the fatigue. It was to the bones. It is a tired that starts at your core. Unlike regular tired, it is "essence" tired. The following Monday morning, I got a tearful call from our daughter in Europe and my mamma heart knew that I needed to go be with her. In a few days, I was on a plane for a four day trip to Germany (her boss wouldn't give her any more time off). I made it two days before I got sick. Meg was a wonderful nurse and took excellent care of me, but I was so tired, I worried about being able to make it back to the States. I did, but the fatigue didn't stop.
It was relentless. The problem was, you are tired ALL the time. The couch and I were good buddies. I would spend days there. Some days, I wouldn't even get out of bed. I would have to sleep all day. It is tough to try to run a business and be utterly exhausted. I was tired of saying I was tired. Depression came.
I will blog about that later..Today's topic is ANGER!!!
Today I went in for my first followup mammogram since I finished radiation. I knew it probably was going to be tough. Jim is in Bahrain - has been for two weeks - so I was on my own. I made it through the initial set of x-rays and then waited for the technician to check them and come back to give me permission to leave. I was angry already about everything related to my cancer experience. Then, she came back in the door and said "I need to do two more. The little pieces of metal that the surgeons left inside you as markers didn't show up." I am silent. "Did they tell you about the markers?" "No" One more lovely little surprise.
At that point, I could hold back the tears no longer. I was so angry and so mad that I had had to go through all of last year. I was sick of surprises. All I was having was flashbacks of needles and MRI's and surgeries and x-rays and all of it. How much fun to find out I now had two pieces of metal in me!
The nurse was sweet. "I am sorry. You just cry all you want. I am so sorry I don't have any tissues." It didn't matter. I had "Skype chatted" with Jim earlier and had told him that I was either going to cry or hit the machine when I went in - or both. At this point, I was ready to hit the machine. I was already crying. I restrained myself from physical violence.
After the second set of x-rays, I left and tried to regain my composure. Anger and tears are a mean combination. You don't want to come face to face with someone in that state. I didn't want to scare anyone, so I took the stairs. In the silence and heat of the stairwell, I texted Jim (who was in bed - it was almost midnight there) "That was awful and I am really angry! But it is over. Last year was more traumatic than I knew." (I wanted to tone it down. I knew it would be hard for him to know I was suffering and not be able to do anything.
I walked down the six stories of steps to the car and had memories of doing this so many times last year. I held it together until I paid the parking attendant and then I lost it. I wept all the way home. I sobbed to my sister on the phone while I drove. (Not a great thing to do, but she was a real comfort.)
I sit here now at the computer, one year out from my first surgery, and I am furious! I am sure I will have to keep processing this through all the anniversaries this year, but I would like to move on. It is just that if they read those x-rays and tell me I have to go see another surgeon...let's just say, it won't be pretty. I was committed to wellness before, but I am over the top about it now. It is going to have to be a lot more than a blip on an x-ray that gets me into surgery again.
So, I have vented. I am going to do nicer things for myself tonight. I will probably go to bed early. I refuse to be vulgar, but take the following blanks and put in your strongest language ___________ ______ ______ ____________ Now, multiply it by ten. That's pretty much where I am. I think I will watch some Brian Regan clips and have a really good laugh. Brian Regan My system doesn't deserve the poison of this much anger.
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