Shamelessly joyful

With yesterday's treatment, I have completed a week of radiation therapy.  Six more to go.

I have to say that I was ridiculously happy yesterday.  I realized it when I was walking up the main street in Homewood to meet a friend for lunch.  As I was passing all the stores, I was just smiling...  I was taking everything in.  I was appreciating the fabrics on the purses in the window, the smell of scented candles as I passed the open door of another shop, the carving on a chair that was sitting outside of a furnishings store.  I was connecting with my world!

This might not sound like a big deal to you, but I am known for spending so much time in my head that I totally miss the here and now.  I have done this for years.  Last night, at a long-standing annual Christmas party, one of my old friends said "Yes, Jill is my profound friend.  I remember when we all had little children and Jill would say 'You know what I love to do once I get all the kids in bed?  Sit down in my favorite chair and just think.'" 

Betsy was right.  I have a weakness for going in my head and ignoring the world around me.  Sometimes, it was my only escape from a busy world of five small children.  (That was also the time of my life when I loved to mow the lawn.)  But a life in the clouds caused me to miss out on a lot on the ground. I just was too distracted to 'show up' in the stuff of life.

Yesterday, as I walked down the street, I was really 'there'.

For some reason, even though this cancer is not life-threatening, it is eye-opening.  As one of my friends said "You feel like you have dodged a bullet."  It is a brush with death.  It is like having a car accident where you're hit from behind, your car is totaled, but you walk away without a scratch.  Despite the fact that you are "okay", you are really not okay.  You know things could have had a radically different outcome.

I think I was in need of a life-death encounter.  I think I have been busy and bored.  I think I was in normal survival mode.  By that I mean, I was carrying around daily petty anxieties, along with future fears and the weight of world-wide problems that honestly don't involve me.  I was diffused, distracted and dull.
.......
After lunch yesterday, I arrived early for my treatment. I actually was looking forward to going and seeing my new friends.  I know everyone's name now and we are beginning to have conversations.

I left there and had a sweet text on my phone.  It was from Hilary, the daughter of one of my dear friends.  She wrote "I just wanted you to know that I've been praying for you.  When mom told me, I got mad at God thinking, not Jill, she's wonderful.  She doesn't deserve it.  I pray for you every time I think of you and cried when mom told me about the bible verses on the wall during ur treatment.  I see that God is good, even when we don't understand His moves."

I texted her back "Sweet, sweet Hilary,  Thank you so much for your prayers and love.  I have to say I am shamelessly joyful.  I am not a masochist, but God is giving me many precious gifts in this process.  Keep praying, but know that God does all things well.  Love you, Jill"

I talked to her mom later and told her about Hilary's sweet message.  She said "Hil shared with me that when she was first questioning God about you she said 'Why are you doing this to Jill?'  and God's response was 'To give her more joy."

I think that is exactly right.